Forgive My Indecision I Am Only A Man
by zmwester
Summary: The showdown with Lucifer!Sam is only a day away, and Future!Dean spends his last night with Future!Castiel.


Title: Forgive My Indecision; I Am Only A Man

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Dean/Castiel

Spoilers: 5x04

Warnings: Angst, Boys kissing, Implied sexual relations.

Disclaimer: They belong to Kripke, no matter how much I wish they belonged to me.

Summary: The showdown with Lucifer!Sam is only a day away, and Future!Dean spends his last night with Castiel.

**Somehow the room seemed darker this time.**

The first time the human and his angel shared a bed, it was awkward, like now, but for a completely different reason. They were different people then. Cas was still learning what human emotions felt like, a by-product of his ever so slow fall from grace. Dean was dealing with the fact that he had more than brotherly feelings for Castiel - for a man. Even then, Dean knew it wasn't that he was gay. Dean Winchester was NOT gay. Castiel was something special, something Dean couldn't quite explain, even to himself. He represented the epitome of the things Dean could never be. The things Dean really was, but would never see. Sometimes you can look in a mirror and never really see how fantastic the person staring back at you really is. This had always been one of Dean's biggest problems. His own grace, purity, and decency would always be in his personal blindspot.

**So much had changed. **

In 2009, Dean was broken and lost. That was nothing compared to 2014 Dean. This new version of the hunter was more like a vacuous shell of the true warrior he had once been. Dean Winchester always played the role of the strong one, then and now. He would never let anyone see the fear etched across his face when the Croats attacked. Every battle was one step closer to finding the evil son of a bitch that was currently wearing his brother. One step closer to using his own hands to murder the monster inside his brother's skin. Dean nearly broke down everytime he considered what it would mean when they finally found Lucifer. Sure, he would destroy the devil and save what little was left of the world. In the process, he'd be killing his little brother, his Sammy. When faced with the decision, could he murder his brother with his own two hands? He spent many nights lost in pain. Most of the nights, he had Cas there to comfort him. Castiel was now a human, but his touch never ceased to bring Dean peace. Even if all his angel mojo was gone, Dean could swear he still saw the brilliant glimmer of angelic grace in Castiel's eyes when he kissed him on the forehead and whispered words of encouragment. Human though he may have been, Cas would always be Dean's angel, his saving grace.

**No matter how dark the room, Castiel's bright eyes illuminated Dean's soul; how could he leave him behind?**

Castiel's faith in God had been destroyed many years ago, but his faith in Dean Winchester had never faltered. It was for this reason that Dean could never share a bed with his angel again. This would be the last night, because Dean knew Lucifer's location and he was going alone this time. No one would follow along, because_ DAMMIT_, no one else was going to die. It was nearly impossible to look into Castiel's deep pools of blue serenity and tell him that this was it, this was the end. Dean would face Lucifer tomorrow. Castiel need not know that Dean wouldn't return. Dean couldn't hurt Cas so willingly, couldn't watch his heart rip open and hear his agonizing sobs of despair. He knew Cas would never be able to hold it together if he knew Dean had no plans to come back. Honestly, Dean could never come back because he was ashamed of what he was going to do. His soul would be tainted for sure, and he could never face those angelic sapphire orbs that were so full of complete faith and adoration for him, not after spilling his baby brother's blood. He would rather have faced the hellhounds again than have to do this. Over the course of a 24-hour period, he was going to give up the one beautiful and true thing in his life, murder his only trace of family left on Earth, and ultimately, take his own life. There was nothing beautiful about the end of the world; Dean Winchester knew this firsthand.

**Judgement Day would be one hell of a show, wouldn't it?**

Dean Winchester knew that he would stand before whoever read the book of life and he'd have to hear his awful deeds repeated to him. He had tortured, murdered, fornicated - with an ANGEL, over-indulged in almost everything sinful...the list went on and on. There was no way he would ever dream of entering Heaven's pearly gates; he did not deserve the privilege. To pretend that God smiled on him, even in the slightest, was ridiculous. Tearing himself away from his own painful thoughts, Dean nudged Castiel and whispered his name until Cas awoke.

"Hey Cas. We need to talk," Dean whispered nervously in Castiel's ear. Cas turned to face Dean and frowned. The hunter placed a palm on Castiel's face and kissed him softly on the forehead, prolonging the kiss just a little, savoring the moment, because he could never do this again. He explained that he would face Sam alone and Castiel did not fight him. He complied with Dean's decision to face the devil alone. He did not like the idea, but he had complete faith in Dean and trusted that Dean knew what he was doing. This cut Dean like a knife. After all the angel had given him, all the sacrifices he had made, this was how it ended. Dean was going to love him and leave him; he was going on a suicide mission and was going to let Cas believe that he'd come back. He was lying right through his teeth and it made him wish he was already dead.

**He needed Cas to remember this moment forever, wanted it etched into his memory eternally.**

Dean and Castiel made love for the last time. It was sweet and slow, because Dean needed Cas to remember this moment forever, wanted it etched into his memory eternally. As they both reached their peak, Dean pulled Castiel into a soul-searing kiss and whispered promises of love in his ear. They collapsed into a great tangled mess of sweaty limbs and blankets. Dean held Castiel as tightly as he could, knowing that this was truly the end. He would leave before dawn and never look back. As Castiel fell into an ignorantly blissful slumber in his arms, Dean cried silent tears of happiness. He might have had one hellacious rollercoaster ride of a life, and maybe he was going to end it all tomorrow as a broken mess of a man; but he had experienced the closest thing to Heaven that he was ever going to get, and its name was Castiel. It was also the last word that he breathed before he left the room the next morning.


End file.
